Move Over Self-Driving Cars, A New Study Proves Rats Enjoy Driving!!!

I understand New York Cabbies thought ride-sharing apps decimated their ability to earn a living wage. But wait until they hear the devastating news that rats have not only been taught how to drive, but they also thoroughly enjoy doing it. Now before any of you, cocky side hustlers pimping out their rides for Uber and Lyft start dancing on the Taxi industry’s grave, too. You better get Your own damn house in order. Because these rats are also willing to do your job and not for the $32.50 an hour Massachusetts is currently dishing out across the board. You see, potential union-busting rat bastards like the ones below are willing to work for mere fruit loops. Seriously, imagine negotiating against that rat rate with the greedy POS tech giants. All along, I’ve been thinking that self-driving cars were the future of the transportation biz. Well, that premonition instantly vanished after stumbling upon this study, testing dirty debris daredevils and their impressive triumphs behind the wheel.

Honestly, when you see these rat-infested vehicles move about, you realize that although we may be miles above these vermin on the food chain, their natural ability to navigate without Waze is far beyond the skill level of 90% of the humans operating on roadways across America. However, akin to the rodent riffraff rummaging through our rubbish as if it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet afterparty, some licensed drivers are inherently better at operating a vehicle than others. Not every driver out there is a perfectionist, for each Kuzko on the streets there are 10 kronks fucking up your daily commute. Not to mention the animalistic instincts apparent within all species. Whether It’s A fruit-loop-addict rat or a LEAD-FOOTED try-hard on 95 South, revving your engine fraudulently proves nothing compensates more for a miniature penis, than showing off your flashy whip does. It’s an eye-opening reminder of The many similarities between us and them.

I have been publicly saying squirrels are simply rats with stylish afro-like tails and superior publicists. Perhaps this latest revelation may be the positive marketing rats needed to rise up through the potential parasitic-carrying pets hierarchy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a hard no on having one of these domesticated dumpster divers for myself, regardless of their ride-or-die status among academia. Nevertheless, they are much more resourceful and friendly than I’ve given them credit for. Most of my prior up-close interactions with hood rats in the wild have been some variation of me screeching like a rusty old ironing board when it’s unexpectedly opened as the passerby varmint calmly proceeded with the at-hand task. But these city-dwelling cousins can be just as aggressive as the most hardened native New Yorkers. Seeing as though they are shady enough to hitch a free ride with other locals for a long weekend getaway in the Hamptons. Or that they have the sexual deviance to round second base with a snoozing drunken stranger on a busy subway platform, like some Predatory “pepe le pew”-trid.

In Today’s Palate Cleanser, a police officer is “Protecting and Serving” his community with everything he’s got.