As a recovering java junky myself, it appears I am losing out on all the heart health perks associated with morning coffee drinking. Which I find rather stunning, considering I’m a jittery, paranoid mess who feels my heart could explode at any minute when I have a few cups of Dunks in the tank. When back in my ignorant youth, I could do an amount of booger sugar that the entire band and road crew of Motley Crue could tour on. Yet I could still feel like the million bucks it would cost to supply that type of weight. Apparently, these must be the advantages of getting old. If this study checks out, I may not survive much longer if I don’t adhere to all this pro-Juan Valdez propaganda. It’s a shame Colombian marching powder doesn’t have the health bennys of Columbian dark roast. If that were the case, I might live to an age that makes Jimmy Carter’s death at 100 seem premature in comparison.
With this kind of experiment, you often wonder about the other factors they don’t spill the beans about. Perhaps the underlying reasons why people consume coffee at different points of the day have varying consequences on their overall health. For instance, I would guess your average 9-5 job goes hand in hand with earlier Starbucks consumption. However, most people I know who are pounding late-night caffeine are, at the very least, overworked. If you are putting in midnight shifts, you are either strapped for cash, in extreme demand, or work with or around drunks. No matter what, all that shit is stressful AF. Tell me the last time someone told you about their overnight employment tales, and you thought, “Wow, that sounds super healthy and fun” to yourself.
Now, don’t let these antioxidant factoids give all of you lovers of fully leaded liquid energy a false sense of security. Despite what these studies may say about the positives associated with your morning coffee, that doesn’t give you a license to consume the caloric intake of an all-you-can-eat buffet 4 to 5 times a day. There is a big difference between ordering a black coffee and a type 2 diabetic’s wet dream with 6 Splenda and extra cream. One is a healthier pick-me-up to get you through your hectic day, while the other is a gateway drug to booting insulin daily.
In today’s Palate Cleanser, we go on a roller coaster journey to decide if this woman is an overbearing Karen with far too much time on her hands or an unsung hero. Sometimes, it’s a fine line between the two.
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