Heated Car Seats Need To Chill Out A Bit!!!

File this article under first-world problems. It appears I am not the only person finding the heated seats in my car to be a tad bit overbearing if left unchecked. In fact, I am starting to believe that intentionally leaving your car’s heated seats on high is a subconscious cry for help. Anyone purposely cruising the roads on the equivalent of a magma-soaked tuffet, like a masochistic Miss Muffet scratching a carnal itch, is in desperate need of an intervention before they inevitably graduate to self-mutilation.

For most of us, the only lasting side effect of roasting our chestnuts on an open fire is involuntary sterilization. Sadly for Paraplegics with no feeling below the waste, there’s no warning sign that the smell of flame-broiled meat wafting through the car isn’t the BK drive-thru they passed along the way. If you thought conquering a spiral staircase was an uphill battle for the handi-capable community. Imagine overcoming all the inherent challenges of relearning how to drive a car, only for that said car to unknowingly brand you a new 3rd-degree asshole. Talk about adding insulting injury to injury.

And here I thought the only modern-day forms of elder abuse were being perpetrated on Facebook by Liam Neeson imposters. Demanding lonely widows send $13,000 worth of Fuddruckers gift cards to Albania. Since that’s the only form of payment accepted to gas up the multi-millionaires helicopter. In exchange for a fleeting chance at romantic companionship from a famous actor with “a very particular set of skills” in the bedroom. However, it appears Mercedes-Benz is also burning old ladies without even pretending to hold their grandson hostage, unless they Western Union them, 3 months pension to a Pakistani P.O. box.

In Today’s Palate Cleanser, we meet a hero brave enough to cross the thin blue line in the sand at his boss’s expense. I fear the next ticket this guy hands out will be for a matinee showing of “Wicked” at the Showcase Cinema, where he is now employed.