Meet The Enormous Newly Discovered “Darth Vader” Sea-Bug!!!

I am my family’s black sheep, not for the many questionable dark-side choices I’ve made along the way. No, my tribe has been firmly in my corner both through thick and thin. However, where I do stray from the flock is my utter indifference to all things Star Wars. But despite the fact the force is not strong within me, my squad is still tight, unlike Luke and Leia’s relationship with their estranged father. To suggest my family members are fans of the legendary sci-fi universe would be like saying type-1 Diabetics are fans of insulin. I mean, the elder stateswoman sibling loves my niece and nephew more than life itself. Yet somehow, she owns 3 times more R2-D2 merch than photos of her kids. Although, I can’t rule out what their sycophantic response to this recent discovery might be. My best guess is it will fall somewhere between booking a roundtrip flight to Vietnam to feast on the Darthicatessen or buying one on the dark side of the web with Bitcoin to keep as a pet named Anakin Crabwalker.

On the other hand, I want absolutely nothing to do with this hideous creature. Is it just me, or does everyone prefer eating cute animals? Think about it, Cows, Pigs, and Chickens are all adorbs and delish. I know they claim these revolting monsters taste like lobster. However, if they aren’t drenched in butter, I’m not buying that comparison one bit. Of the over 50,000 types of crustaceans out there, do you know why lobster and crabs are at the top of the food chain for market demand? Because they’re cute as fuck, that’s why. I would tell Joe Rogan I am a fan of his politics rather than eat this disgusting Darth Vader-looking beast in a Fear-Factor reboot. Unless I’m allowed to substitute in a Star Wars-themed delicacy. Then, I’m chowing down some Ewok balls instead of swallowing my own pride in a heartbeat.

While researching this article, I came across the mysterious beast featured below. I can neither confirm nor deny if this is real, but believe it or not, I tried my best to find out the answer. Nevertheless, If I ever came across one of these, I would call in a nuclear strike on the region it was located in. If sacrificing myself for the overall good in the likelihood I was witnessing ground zero for an alien invasion, then so be it. Even if I was wrong and was the first person to discover this earth-based species. I would rather die than have them name whatever that thing is after me. I imagine microbiologist Dr. Salmon would stand by my decision. He can’t be thrilled about being forever tied to the reputation of his discovery, salmonella. I couldn’t live WITH MYSELF knowing I ruined the goodwill associated with the trusted CEO name worldwide.

In today’s Palate Cleanser, we have the beauty and naivety of humans all wrapped into one video. Working humanely in unison to save this turtle’s life before his Jimmy Carter-esque untimely death at the age of 100 was unbelievable. However, suffering a gullible Disney-like sense of imagination by believing this hungry shark was a makeshift ambulance carrying his meal to safety is embarrassing. Truth is, biting on a ginormous century-old tortoise while swimming. Is about as easy as eating a pumpkin-sized, shell-on pistachio while running on a treadmill. They may have saved one life, but pretending they weren’t simultaneously cock lunch-blocking another in the process is immature at best.