Last year, it came to light that self-described homophobe and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson had a bizarre arrangement with his teenage son Jack (No, not the singer/surfer Jack Johnson, although in this scenario, I bet the Speaker wishes). Apparently, the two Johnsons had an incestuous agreement to monitor each other’s porn intake like a couple of creepy Johnson Anti-bation Probation Officers. Needless to say, coupled with Daddy’s usual Bible-thumping gay-bashing bullshit, the Speaker’s uncomfortable behavior surrounding sexuality has thrown up multiple red rainbow flags. And since it’s well known in MAGA-speak that accusations and condemnations are often merely admissions and confessions of guilt wrapped in denial. Mike Johnson’s general Holier than Thou vibes scream that a fabulous man is tucked away somewhere deep inside his closet, waiting to come river-dancing out, Jazz hands and all.
Rumors started circulating this week about the Speaker cruising Grindr, looking to score strange discreetly, like it’s the Central Park Rambles back in the 70s. The stink of MAGA hypocrisy wafting off this potential scandal did pass the usual smell test. Especially since, due to overwhelming traffic, Grindr’s servers legit crashed during last year’s Republican National Convention. And while nobody is shocked the GOP used their personal iPhones unprofessionally, it still spoke volumes for an event marketed as a homophobic safe space. Now while the evidence to back up this speculation is questionable at best, the simple fact that the FBI confronted the person leaking the damning screenshots of Johnson’s ass-eating grin and alleged propositions gives the allegation credibility. If the job of the FBI was to shake down anyone with damaging information about the Speaker’s questionable sexual practices. His porn-monitor son would be at the top of the Most Wanted List.
Before his rise to power, Mike Johnson and his mentor, Judge Paul Pressler, decided to establish a faith-based law school. Yet it turns out that a major in biblical law is just about as useless as a degree in bird law. It also didn’t help their cause that Pressler was facing lawsuits and criminal accusations of pedophilia from multiple men. Ironically, the Speaker’s life coach wanting to touch a young and growing Johnson might’ve been inappropriate all along. In the end, like religion itself, the school was nothing more than a delusional exercise in make-believe. However, it did pave the way for Mike Johnson to become Speaker of the House as his wife founded Christianity’s arm of the fun police. So, unlike a potential Grindr hookup with the Speaker, at least these Johnsons got their happy ending.
THE-ANTI-SOCIAL-MEDIA 