Trump Turns “Earth-Shattering” Announcement Into A No Chill Roast Of His Fatso “Friend”!!!

Donald Trump’s self-described “Earth Shattering” announcement was nothing more than a previously failed policy mulligan from his first term. And, despite the notorious golf cheat being more well-versed in concealing mulligans than publicizing them, it turns out the only person’s Earth shattered by this reveal was the shrapnel recipient who learned during the roast portion of Trump’s speech, along with everyone who once respected him, he’s been forever rebranded as the President’s Fat-Fuck-Friend. It might be the most uncalled-for public dragging since Diddy beat the lube out of his ex-girlfriend for allegedly violating the first rule of Fight Club.

The Daily Beast Article Quoted – https://www.thedailybeast.com/trumps-earth-shattering-announcement-is-a-policy-from-2020/

It has come to light that before the new Pope was selected, Project 2025 Christian Nationalists were trying to bribe Cardinals into voting for a fascist Pope. Proving, unlike MAGA’s interference in the 2024 US Presidential race, this time, they were unsuccessful at transforming the Papal Conclave into a sequel of How To Catch Elect A Sex Offender. Imagine living in the alternate MAGA-verse, where the white smoke announced Pope Elon the First like the shocking result of a Maury Povich paternity test. “Elon, you are the father of the Catholic Church,” across the Vatican sky in smoke signals. When in Rome, indeed!

The Daily Beast Article Quoted – https://www.thedailybeast.com/maga-tries-to-sway-pope-vote-with-100-bottles-of-wine-and-billion-dollar-promises/

In Today’s Palate Cleanser, we learn Americans may be up in arms about Trump openly accepting bribes from foreign governments and neglecting the victims dying from said governments’ involvement in 9/11. But last I heard, the Supreme Court has a strict Presidents-Can-Do-Whatever-The-Fuck-They-Want, immunity policy. So as a safety reminder to anyone downwind of Donald Trump shitting himself along Manhattan’s 5th Avenue, do yourself a favor and shelter-in-place or run like your fucking survival depends on it. Considering your average citizen’s so-called life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, take a backseat to the President’s constitutionally protected right to shoot New Yorkers for sport with a full diaper. Which, coincidentally, is not only the number 1 item on Trump’s Bucket List but also the Urban Dictionary’s definition of “Skeet-Skeet Shooting.”