How My Relationship With AI SIRI Is Already Rather Problematic!!!

To say I’m not a “tech junkie” is a bit of an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not, by any means, an off-the-grid type either. I have just enough gadgets and technology in my day-to-day life to appear sane and remain functional in modern American society. Yet despite the popularity of voice-activated assistance, I’ve never been a SIRI sycophant or even had any inclination to become a casual user of her services. That was until I purchased my brand-new iPhone and became inundated with info regarding SIRI’s new AI glow-up. The one that seems to be all the latest rage in the tech echo chamber and its loyal enthusiasts have been nerding-out over for some time. Even just from the manufactured hype alone, I was suffering from a potential terminal bout of F.O.M.O. (Gen Z to Boomer translation = Fear Of Missing Out). So since, as they say in the drug game, “The first time’s free!” I thought, “Fuck it, what could possibly go wrong?” and decided to give her upgraded model a spin on my state-of-the-art Apple device. Ignoring all the blinking warning signs of those infamous last words spoken by many fallen drug connoisseurs, THAT I had just whispered so confidently to myself. 

Perhaps I need to retain some lawyers myself to avoid unnecessary restraining orders being filed on SIRI’s behalf by the Apple Corporation. Just in case my language comes back to bite me one day. If God forbid those audio files on their servers were to leak, at the very least, it would be problematic for my loved ones to respect me going forward. I admit I started off on the wrong foot when I felt all the USA versions of SIRI’s voices to be alternate shades of red, white, and blue Karen-esque. Each one was worse than the last and all far too judgmental sounding for my enjoyment (But that’s a-me problem, and I am slowly working on it). Then, when I was beta-testing the other variations of the English language models, I came across the rather soothing sounds of an Irish accent, so I chose her to be my new pocket-sized AI companion. Come to find out the reviews online have been graded on a sliding curve between unremarkable to mixed, with the latter being an A+ score for Apple’s upgrades. Despite SIRI’s new luminous appearance, I too was uninspired with the remedial AI performance thus far and much too eager to tell my chatty bot all about my concerns.

CLICK THE LINK FOR THE ENTIRE VOX ARTICLE QUOTED IN THIS COLUMN https://www.vox.com/technology/370836/apple-intelligence-iphone-16-ios-update-siri

Siri fails are well-documented online, so nothing I encountered was considered groundbreaking. Now, whether it was my thick Boston accent (Imagine somewhere in between Matt Damon and Matt Damon in “The Departed”) or not, Irish SIRI didn’t have the foggiest fucking clue of the “Words coming out of my mouth!” at any point in time. I even questioned SIRI’s sobriety at my lowest moments. Knowing full well that throwing prejudicial accusations around about the Irish drinking on the job without proof could get me canceled in certain familial circles. Not to mention the relentless wise-ass remarks I had every single time SiRI mentioned her strict “PRIV-A-CY” issues( picture lucky the leprechaun shouting it), which I was routinely infringing upon, unknowingly of course. With the numerous glitches I encountered with her, you would have thought I asked SIRI to do her best Mitch McConnell impersonation. If I had wanted to stare at pretty lights while having my simple requests ignored by a soulless woman. I would have invited my ex-wife to accompany me to a Pink Floyd Laser-Light Show at the Museum Of Science instead. But I would never willingly do that either. So at that point, I realized It was time to pull the plug on this entire operation before either of us said something we could legally regret. Perhaps I will give us both enough time to heal so that Apple can fix its lackluster AI. Then maybe we can decide if taking our relationship any further is in the cards for us. I hope my phone and I can someday understand one another as the two flirtatious phones in the video below do. They may not be perfect together, but love’s gotta start somewhere. As you can tell, after just one failed marriage, you tend to set the bar much lower for future affairs of the heart, especially when dealing with the heartless.

In Today’s Palate Cleanser, we have a teachable moment, followed by a late-breaking message from my brother speaking on behalf of all of us in The Anti-Social-Media crew. Don’t worry the merch is on the way!!! Stay Tuned!!