Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m back. Now, if you would hold your applause until the end, we can get started. And for those of you still wondering where the fuck I have been. I say: Well, if Jimmy Kimmel, The Daily Show, and Melania Trump can afford to take summers off. Then I can afford to stick to my day job. You see, it’s not like vacationing comes naturally; I don’t come from a long line of CEO’s. Don’t get me wrong, It was nice to shoehorn sleep back into my nightly schedule. But at what cost? Although I originally came to the progressive fart joke game for the chicks, I’ve stayed for the death threats. And yet, now I find out the hard way that the only person who wants me dead for NOT calling Trump Shitler…is me. So where were we? The last thing I remember was Republican Congressman Mad Max Miller finding Jake Tapper’s questions about domestic violence much harder to crack than an uppity two-year-old’s collarbone. Let me guess: Miller bowed out of his Senate race gracefully after the GOP cracked the whip they found lying in the closet next to Lindsey Graham? But seriously, now that I’m back, the one thing I’m really curious about is: how the fuck did Mitch McConnell explain his unexcused absence without Scott Jennings’ Ouija Board present? I mean, if Republicans wanted to impeach an 80-year-old Democrat for having a speech impediment, they must really be rip-shit that Mitch McConnell’s entire body now only leans left. However, if I were them, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. MAGA ideology and Brain damage go hand in hand. Just ask future former Democrat John Fetterman; once he’s done swatting at airplanes from the roof of the Republican National Convention, of course. I must say, it feels good to be back. But please keep the threats of violence against La Familia CEO spoiler-alert-free until I can at least play catch-up on all of Karolying Leavitt’s recent press beefings.
THE-ANTI-SOCIAL-MEDIA 